Monday April 1, 2002 12:31pm PST

Aliens Demand Their Codepoints!

The aliens have been here for nearly two years, and only now have they taken to the airwaves to demand their fair share... What's up, and what on Earth will they think of next?

SAN FRANCISCO April 1 -- Astute readers will recall the chutzpah-istic alien landing and the string of secretive and mysterious circumstances surrounding the event, as chronicled by the Seattle PI and other papers. But since their cantankerous arrival nearly two years ago, immigrants from one of our closest neighboring stars, the so-called self-styled Blue Ge'Vermin of Tau Ceti (a mere eleven light-years distant) have been relatively quiet except for their garish costumes and wiggly antennae, living unobtrusive lives in secluded encampments throughout Berkeley and parts of downtown San Francisco, disguised as homeless vagrants, indignant saxophonists, and unemployed dot-commers. But overnight, they have come out of the dumpsters and cushy lofts in droves, demanding that their script be encoded. What is at the root of this sudden movement? Only time will tell. But in this reporter's opinion: it must be the weather.

The Ge'Vermin ambassador, Zlorg, was flown to New York late last night under a cloak of utmost secrecy that observers called "ill-fitting" and "freakish, even for an alien" -- not to mention being little suited to the spring climate. Fashion columnist Christine Dewar poo-pooed the ambassador's taste, saying, "Ambassador Zlorg is a close friend, but oh! How I poo-poo the vulgar taste of his charming excellency's valet. That awful shade of red does not suit his skin tone at all. Not even on the Left Bank. Even a Martian could see that that under extreme ultraviolet."

Left: Two zanies from the Lunicode Consortium meet with Ambassador Zlorg in a casual environment over cool glasses of water to discuss intricacies of the alien script.

Among the quite reasonable demands, Ambassador Zlorg insisted, "Pronto, mind you, a complete Tau Cetian - Woleain bilingual dictionary," to assist their toddlers with this summer's vacation plans in the Islas Carolinas, and "much roomier seats on your puny airliners so that we can actually stow our hand luggage."

The Foovian Ambassador to the United Nations, speaking on condition of anonymity was quoted as saying, "The flap-doodles at the Lunicode Consortium have long been known for their bourgeousie-istic arch-conservatism. Now is our long-awaited chance to really tell 'em we told ya so. They should have listened to us first and we might have had billions and billions of codepoints to handle these nudniks from Tau Ceti."

Right: Brief Sample of Ge'Vermin Writing

The President was unavailable for comment, but click HERE for non-streaming audio of Ambassador Zlorg's English-language speech before the UN Security Council. (MP3 format, 860k)